The reality hit right after I earned my PhD.

I shared the news with the leadership team at work.

What was I expecting? Standing ovation? Beautiful plaque? A pat on the back to acknowledge everything I’d worked toward for four years?

Maybe a bit of that.

But what I wasn’t expecting?

To be made redundant the very next day.

A lot of feelings came up, but one I remember keenly was wondering WTF I was supposed to do now. Wasn’t the PhD supposed to make me more valuable? What did I do it for?

What did I do it for, indeed.

Great question.

The Performance That Became Prison

I’d spent so many years becoming the woman I thought I needed to be that I’d forgotten who I actually was underneath all that optimization.

• The morning routine designed for productivity, not joy
• The wardrobe curated for credibility, not self-expression
• The conversations perfected for demonstrating my value, not genuine connection
• The goals selected for impressiveness, not fulfillment

I was living someone else’s definition of success and calling it my life. And it wasn’t working. And I wasn’t happy. Hell, I wasn’t even content.

The Question That Changed Everything

That night, staring into the darkness of my bedroom at 3am, I asked myself: “If no one was watching, who would you be?”

I couldn’t answer.

That’s when I knew the emptiness wasn’t something to fix. It was something to honour.

My authentic self was trying to break free from a life built for my performing self.

The Archaeological Dig of Becoming Yourself

Recovery required archaeology—excavating the real me from under layers of “should” and “expected to.”

• What lit me up before I learned what was “practical”?
• What felt effortless before I learned what was “valuable”?
• What excited me before I learned what was “realistic”?

The answers weren’t hiding. They were buried under a lifetime of external validation.

Client Story: The CEO Who Remembered Her Love of Poetry

Sarah (name changed) came to me after 15 years of building a tech company she couldn’t stand. Successful by every metric. Miserable by every internal measure.

During our work together, she remembered she used to write poetry. Had won competitions in college. Stopped because it wasn’t “serious” career material.

She didn’t quit her company. But she started weaving creative writing into leadership strategy. Her team engagement scores doubled. Her personal fulfillment transformed.

Same role. Same responsibilities. Completely different relationship with success.

That’s the power of integration over destruction.

(I just picked up my knitting needles for the first time in decades. What does that have to do with work? Nothing.

And everything.

Knitting keeps me in the moment. In my body. Out of the endless loop of thoughts constantly vying for attention. Counting stitches.

My breath deepens. My heart rate evens out. My contentment bubbles to the surface. Creativity creates space. Now back to my point…)

Your Performing Self Isn’t the Enemy

The performing self served you. Got you here. Created the platform you now have. But now? Now you have the authority to express your authentic self.

The goal isn’t to destroy what you’ve built. It’s to invite your whole self to live in what you’ve created.

Question for reflection: If you could bring one aspect of your pre-success self into your current life, what would it be?

The women who answer this question honestly are the ones who transform most quickly.

PS Not sure how to start your journey? I have a few options for you. Check out Life Begins at Burnout, a 60-minute self-study program to help you understand the science of soul burnout, and uncover the message behind how you’re feeling right now. Only $7. Go here.